Earlier than the prequel trilogy launched within the late ‘90s/early noughties and Disney purchased LucasFilm for an exorbitant sum of money in 2015, Star Wars licensing was a weird no man’s land. Whereas I used to be, admittedly, a bit too younger to recall something apart from plastic lightsabers and scratchy Padme Amidala headpieces, because of a tweet from gaming historian Damiano Gerli, I’m now keenly conscious of simply how bizarre this time interval was.
The tweet in query reveals an Italian toothpaste business the place Darth Vader (in a helmet that’s airbrushed like an NHL goalie masks) fights an Italian Luke Skywalker (Luca Cielocamminatore, I suppose) on the floor of a rocky planet (might be the Faraglioni Rocks). They’re each preventing with white lightsabers, which looks as if a canon error that will, nowadays, have Lucasfilm kicking down your door. However simply because it seems our Luca goes to lose to Darth Vader, he’s thrown a tube of toothpaste that’s additionally a lightsaber by a girl in flowy white robes.
He prompts the blade and it’s pink (gasp! That’s a Sith coloration) however then it adjustments to blue (gasp! That may’t occur!), earlier than it’s revealed that these are literally simply two very enticing Italian fashions standing of their very ‘90s toilet, presumably brushing their tooth. I’m guessing this man daydreams about lightsaber battling Darth Vader as an alternative of battling plaque? The business by no means mentions Star Wars, based mostly on my shitty translation and the significantly better translation supplied to me by OG poster Damiano Gerli—which is wild contemplating this can be a direct rip-off of the franchise.
However Italian toothpaste isn’t the one bizarre factor Star Wars was related to again within the earlier than Disney occasions—actually, European Star Wars shit is unsurprisingly a number of the weirdest stuff. In Germany, Star Wars bathroom paper and paper towels have been launched in tandem with Revenge of the Sith (or Die Rache Der Sith), the latter of which had the heroes printed on the paper itself. At the least that’s what I feel “Star Wars helden auf jeder rolle” means.
Forward of the 3D re-release of The Phantom Menace in 2012, a French quick meals chain referred to as Fast had two tie-in burgers accessible so as to add some midichlorians to your pedestrian-ass palate. The burgers in query have been a “Darkish Vador” burger that had a black bun and a “Jedi Burger” which was only a common burger, as soon as once more reminding us that the Jedi are boring, no-fun-havers.
By no means one to get upstaged by the remainder of mainland Europe, British-owned airline Virgin Atlantic had specifically branded barf luggage for the discharge of the Revenge of the Sith online game. In case you bear in mind simply how badly the prequels botched telling the story of Anakin Skywalker’s fall (you possibly can watch the Clone Wars animated sequence to repair that) and must hurl, you are able to do so proper into one among these luggage. Though I’m assuming they maintain collectively about in addition to George Lucas’ clarification of the connection between Anakin’s fall and Luke’s rise.
Over right here in America, issues are a special model of bizarre. The notorious Jar-Jar Binks lollipop that makes the enjoyer appear like they’re deepthroating Gungan tongue was a alternative, and never a very good one.
However even after Disney purchased the franchise and milked it for all its price like Luke milks these thala-sirens in The Final Jedi, Star Wars has inexplicably been tied-in with produce at your native grocery retailer. In 2015, we acquired luggage of Star Wars apples, oranges and lettuce, in addition to particular person Star Wars stickers for the banana bunches.
Whereas none of that is as bizarre as bathroom paper and airbrushed Darth Vader preventing a toothpaste-wielding Italian man, it’s nonetheless attention-grabbing to see how Star Wars licenses are used to hawk shit. Personally, I feel they’re lacking out on the intercourse toys market—a Kylo Ren lightsaber dildo would make a killing at Comedian-Con.