Some individuals develop up watching wrestling and dream of sooner or later being WWE champion. Of profitable the last word prize at Wrestlemania, the grandest stage of all of them, whereas tens of 1000’s scream their identify and tens of millions extra watch at residence. Of finishing up feats of athleticism so grandiose they echo via eternity.
The wrestler on this month’s diary is just not a type of individuals. Sure, he is on the hunt for championship gold. However he has no intention of entertaining you alongside the best way. Your enjoyment is poison to him, your hatred ambrosia. He intends to clamber up the rankings ladder and win a championship belt—most likely one of many ones you forgot existed—with out ever profitable a match pretty.
Say howdy to essentially the most unworthy contender within the historical past of sports activities leisure: ‘Luscious’ Lord Fentiman Skett. He is named after the sound of somebody working from battle whereas carrying outsized selfmade clogs. He is the kind of creature who stopped tying damsels to coach tracks as a result of he determined it was a waste of rope; a person who saves his crimson shells in Mario Kart so he can hearth them again at individuals he is lapped. Fentiman Skett makes Ric Aptitude seem like Bob Ross.
Crimping this terrible villain into existence is a painstaking course of. The extent of depth in WWE 2K22 is intimidating, so I’ve to scour Skett’s strikes to verify nothing inspiring, highly effective, or entertaining by accident wriggles, via like a historic bigoted tweet from an English cricketer. Skett is a scores catastrophe, along with his tedious arsenal of headlocks, roll-up pins and blatant dishonest. His finisher, should you can name it that, is eye rake-low blow combo that even I am uninterested in seeing, and he hasn’t even had a match but. As a concession to the noble artwork of wrestling I equip Skett with an athletic drop kick as a signature transfer. However it’s to not impress individuals. As a substitute, it is an instance of what Fentiman /might/ do if renounced dishonest. In an ideal world, I can hear Jim Ross’s exasperated voice explaining it to followers, “Skett might get the rattling job performed legally if he simply utilized himself. However he solely needs to do it the straightforward method!”
Bodily, he embodies the mixed aesthetic qualities of ponderous Tory lollipop Jacob Rees-Mogg, fish-and-foreigner averse horror author HP Lovecraft, and Eric the cowardly cavalier from Dungeons & Dragons. At 6’3″ and 190lbs, he is about as appropriate for a profession in skilled wrestling as I’m at pitching diary items that will not make my life a screaming distress. Extra on that shortly.
My plan, then, is just not solely to misappropriate a championship, however to maintain maintain of it by dishonest. You may’t lose a belt by being disqualified, so I intend to make Skett the longest reigning champion who’s by no means efficiently defended his title. I’ve obtained a protracted strategy to go earlier than that. I hearth up Universe Mode and assign Skett to the Uncooked model, assuming that I am going to have a gruelling path forward of me.
My first match, nevertheless, is inexplicably Uncooked’s primary occasion, going through off towards Kevin Owens. Much more bizarrely, Paul Heyman is my supervisor. Narrative weirdness apart, this appears like the proper strategy to trial Skett’s nefarious methods. I can use Heyman to distract the ref, whereas I choose up a slimy victory. And it is round now, actually on the very begin of my journey, that the weaknesses in my plan develop into obvious.
Probably the most troublesome factor in wrestling is not enjoying hide-and-seek with John Cena. It is not deciphering why Mae Younger as soon as gave beginning to a hand. Nope, it is making an attempt to cheat successfully in WWE 2K22. This recreation is completely, rigidly decided that you simply play by the foundations. I assume that having Heyman at ringside will assist, however I am improper. Apparently managers in WWE 2K22 are there to do *checks notes* actually nothing. As a substitute, I made a decision to mercilessly bump the ref so I can break the foundations whereas he is unconscious. One drawback: no matter I do, the referee won’t keep down. I strive whipping my opponent into him, however he deftly sidesteps every time. I strive the extra direct methodology of clattering him with a clothesline, however he no-sells like The Final Warrior taking a Pedigree. There is a slider to find out how lengthy the referee is dazed, however, even at its highest setting, the ref is again up earlier than I’ve had time to choose up a chair, not to mention swing it. This, mixed with WWE 2K22’s byzantine controls, really makes profitable pretty tougher than dishonest.
I resolve I am going about this the improper method. As a substitute of pulling down the ref, Skett will distract him. It is attainable to take away the turnbuckle cowl in WWE 2K22, exposing the steel ring beneath. This sliver of skinny steel is seemingly so harmful that any interplay with it outcomes immediately DQ. Finally, the ref will discover the lacking pad, waddle throughout the ring, and exchange it from his secret provide of infinite turnbuckle covers, giving me time to brutalise my opponent with a overseas object. The one hassle? The one factor that 100% ensures the ref’s sudden curiosity in turnbuckle upkeep is Skett going for a pinfall. If that occurs, the ref replaces the duvet instantly, which is strictly the alternative of what I must occur.
An alternate plan varieties in my head. What if I take away the turnbuckle pad and trick my opponent into utilizing it? That may be classic Fentiman Skett. However that does not work both. As a result of I am the one who eliminated the pad, slamming my smirking face into the uncovered turnbuckle is abruptly authorized. Equally, through the three-second window when it is protected to make use of a weapon, I’m going to crack my opponent over the pinnacle with one of many 40 kendo sticks inexplicably hidden beneath the ring. However he manages to wrestle it off me and return the favour, all whereas the ref watches on. On the threat of sounding like a deflating balloon animal at a disappointing occasion, it is apparently advantageous once I’m the one being assaulted.
I am starting to really feel Skett is the sufferer right here, which is a really odd way of thinking for a person expressly created to interrupt the foundations. I initially determined that I might solely go for the pin after utilizing a overseas object on my opponent, nevertheless it’s virtually unimaginable to execute. For it to work I might should 1) take away a turnbuckle, 2) put together a weapon, 3) await the ref to note stated turnbuckle, 4) bounce again into the ring with the weapon, 5) hit my opponent, which solely works 50% of the time, and 6) go for the pin as soon as the ref is trying once more. And that is such a conjunction of unlikely occasions that may herald some cataclysmic infernal occasion. So I made a decision that low cost pins might be a part of Skett’s victory technique, as long as I’ve used a weapon no less than as soon as.
Sadly, I am not having an enriching time on Uncooked. I am booked in a collection of tag matches with random companions, which is not a lot enjoyable for a sociopath like Skett. Extra bafflingly, I find yourself competing for the Smackdown tag group belts throughout a PPV, though I am not assigned to the model. Skett and his new associate, Angel Garca, handle to win the belts, however I resolve this will’t presumably depend in the direction of my aim. Skett does not share glory. And I must really feel like I’ve earned my stolen championship.
The ultimate straw comes once I use the curation menu to push for extra singles matches. Skett remains to be headlining, which feels improper like your dad’s Steely Dan cowl band headlining Glastonbury. Worse but, the sport solely needs me to combat Omos, the 7’3″ Nigerian titan who might most likely use Skett as a toothpick. After six consecutive matches towards him, I resolve it is time to change promotions.
‘Luscious’ Lord Fentiman makes his NXT debut the following week, and to be trustworthy, it appears like a extra pure atmosphere for him, not least as a result of he appears just like the third member of erstwhile NTX tag champs, the Vaudevillains. Sure, it is a step again, however I embrace it, not least as a result of NXT’s strong cruiserweight division means Skett is not the smallest man on the roster. Higher nonetheless, I’ve some tight, aggressive matches, by which I imply I managed to cheat constantly with out getting disqualified. There’s additionally an odd, satisfying sense I’ve damaged the sport. My stats are so hilariously low that the commentators do not know the best way to speak about me. They skirt round my abject failures, speaking about ‘challenges’ and ‘resilience’, like I am a courageous relative with an embarrassing illness. And this may really be true, as a result of, as I study after turning the blood on, Skett bleeds like a person with moist rice paper for pores and skin. The slightest trace of fist to brow and he is Carrie White on promenade evening.
A couple of matches later, and the sport throws up the curation menu, asking me what I need. A crippling sense of Britishness nearly stops me from being trustworthy about my want for a title match, like an ungainly vicar avoiding the final French Fancy, however ultimately I relent and ask for a shot. And, certain sufficient, Skett is booked towards Tommaso Ciampa for the NXT Championship.
It is a first rate match, and one that truly turns into barely tense given the foundations I’ve imposed on myself. A couple of instances it appears like Ciampa is gearing up for his finisher, and I’ve to roll out of the ring and recuperate, realizing that I will not be allowed to kick out if he lands it. After eradicating about 15 turnbuckle covers in whole, I handle to lastly catch Ciampa with a chair shot, which softens him up properly. He kicks out of my soiled leverage pin, however I will clatter him with a depressing low blow and roll him up for the win. Skett is a champion: a shitty, dishonest, miserably disappointing champion. He celebrates this momentous victory by stamping the hell out of his fallen enemy. Elegant.
All that is left is to carry on to my not-actually very laborious fought championship and get myself disqualified or counted out from the following match, which takes place at an NXT In Your Home PPV.
As at all times, there’s an issue. It is a no disqualification Triple Menace match. I am assured I could make it work, nevertheless. Skett instantly legs it from the ring, arms himself with a weapon, and solely will get concerned when somebody appears like they’re in want of a thrashing. He dives out and in of the ring like a toxic fish, delivering chair pictures earlier than retreating to relative security. My opponents, Pete Dunne and Walter, do a advantageous job of pulverising one another and I plan to brush in and end the match…
However catastrophe strikes: Dunne hits his finisher on Walter, and when I attempt to break up a pin with a baseball bat it inexplicably does not work, so I drop my belt after a mere 5 days due to vomitous collision detection. Thus ends WWE 2K22’s ethical concept lesson: cheaters by no means prosper, even when dishonest is authorized.